Great Mystery Publishing

PO BOX 41

ALDERLEY BRISBANE QLD 4051

AUSTRALIA

 

E-mail: publisher@greatmysterypublishing.com

 

On The Funny Side

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“Even a small star shines in the darkness.” - Finnish Proverb

Games and Puzzles for all ages - here

Brain Cramps

 

"I love California.   I practically grew up in Phoenix."

 --Dan Quayle

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 "We've got to pause and ask ourselves:

How much clean air do we need?" 

  --Lee Lacocca

 

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  "The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -

--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."

 

--Colonel Gerald Wellman,

ROTC Instrutor
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"Traditionally, most of Australia's

imports come from overseas."

--Keppel Enderbery

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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that
you passed away.   May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."

--Department of Social Services,

Greenville, South Carolina
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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."

--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

 

“That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."

--A congressional candidate in Texas.
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"Half this game is ninety percent mental."

--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

Short  Jokes

 

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed
 in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want" So he tied her up and went golfing.
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A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or
mountain stuff?"
 "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."
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A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the optician asked.
 "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
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 Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must
tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrheae in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of
chardonnay."
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Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army
issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

 

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?!!

Warning– Nude jelly wrestling image located at the bottom of this page!!

Nude Jelly Wrestling! heheheheh

Maharishi Phuncknuckels’

Guide to Zen

 

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

 

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just get lost  and  leave me alone.

 

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.

 

Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else.

 

If you think nobody cares whether you’re dead or alive, try missing a couple of credit card payments.

 

Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

 

If at first you don’t succeed, avoid skydiving.

 

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

 

Have you ever lent someone $20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it.

 

If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.

 

Some days we are flies, some days we are the windscreen.

 

Good judgment comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgment.

 

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

 

There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works.

 

Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much if your lips are moving.

 

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

 

When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our arse. From there on in, life gets worse.

 

The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.

 

A word of advice—don’t take life too seriously. It isn’t permanent!

 

 

iiiiiiiiiiiiiii

Site search tool by http://www.jrank.org/

 

JUST CHILL

KIDS IN CHURCH

 

3year old Reece -

“Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is his name. Amen.

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After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,
And I wanted to stay with you guys.'

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A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they
Were on the way to church service,
'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'
One bright little girl replied,
'Because people are sleeping.'

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A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait..'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
' Ryan , you be Jesus !'

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A father was at the beach with his children When the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked.
'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
'Did God throw him back down?'
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A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
'Would you like to say the blessing?'
'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.
'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'
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As I mature I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

 

I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

 

I’ve learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you’re finished.

 

I’ve learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

 

I’ve learned that 99% of the time when something isn’t working in your house, one of your kids did it.

 

I’ve learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.