Maharishi Phuncknuckels’ Guide to Zen
. A closed mouth gathers no feet. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just get lost and leave me alone. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre. Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else. If you think nobody cares whether you’re dead or alive, try missing a couple of credit card payments. Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. If at first you don’t succeed, avoid skydiving. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. Have you ever lent someone $20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything. Some days we are flies, some days we are the windscreen. Good judgment comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgment. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much if your lips are moving. Never miss a good chance to shut up. When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our arse. From there on in, life gets worse. The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed. A word of advice—don’t take life too seriously. It isn’t permanent! |
Nude Jelly Wrestling!
Short Jokes One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want" So he tied her up and went golfing. A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out." A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy." Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent." "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay." Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years. Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?!! |
Brain Cramps
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" --Lee Lacocca
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that
you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
“That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it." -- A congressional
candidate in Texas.
"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" --Lee Lacocca
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that
you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
“That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it." -- A congressional
candidate in Texas.
"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
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